58 Lines about 44 Aliens

Commence Beating.

I guess there's not much I can say about this kind of list telling you the signs that you've been abducted by aliens that hasn't been said before. Barnum descriptions, not uncommon to have a lot of these signs, sleep paralysis, et cetera. That's all pretty obvious, and if you want to learn more you can read up on it here. But just for a minute, let's imagine someone who has NEVER been abducted by aliens. EVER. That is, someone who goes against every single one of the signs listed on that page. Some of the stuff wouldn't be too unusual to not experience, like not being interested in UFOs (though I admit I was at one point!), not channeling telepathic messages from aliens, and so on. But the rest... well, you'll see. Let's go through item by item. Feel free to follow along!

-First off, you have never had "missing time" - having time go by without noticing. Clearly, you're not a gamer, nor do you ever watch heavily edited Schwarzenegger movies on TBS.
-You never see flashes of light in your home or elsewhere. You are probably blind.
-You have never seen beams of light outside your home. Either you don't live close to a street or any other place where headlight-equipped cars would go at night, or the blind hypothesis is starting to gain ground. Or perhaps both!
-You have never dreamed of UFOs. This suggests an isolation from alien-obsessed popular culture, which is just what one would expect from some kind of blind hermit.
-You have never had one or more UFO sightings. Putting aside the blind jokes for now, you have never seen a flying object without immediately being aware of what it is.
-You have never been interested in ecology, the environment, or vegetarianism. You are not a hippie.
-Never in your life have you had the feeling that you are special or that you're here for some purpose. I guess Mother wanted a girl, didn't she?
-You have been able to explain every single event in your life. Presumably this is because you haven't yet gotten to the point where the answer is always "aliens did it."
-You have never felt that something is going to happen before it happens. With the rate of coincidences about thinking about something and then having it randomly happen, you are one hell of an unlucky person.
-You have never woken up in a different place from where you remember going to sleep. This means that you don't roll around in bed, sleepwalk, or drink to the point where you start thinking that the Discovery channel should really interview that Stanton Friedman guy more.
-You do not remember ever seeing an animal look at you from outside. I guess your carless retreat is animal-free, too.
-You never wake up in the middle of the night startled. So you never have dramatic nightmares about a homicidal maniac coming after you and he's getting closer and closer and about to kill you when you trip like people always seem to do in these movies and then you look up and the lawnmower blade he uses as a murder weapon comes down and you wake up screaming and sweaty, sitting up in bed and panting then maybe starting to laugh about what a crazy dream that was until he bursts in through the door and plunges his Lawn Boy into your sternum. Then the aliens come and exact their revenge by giving him sporadic headaches and making streetlights go out when he walks underneath them.
-You don't have a phobia of anything, including snakes, spiders, heights, or lawnmower-related serial killers.
-You haven't had self-esteem problems, despite the fact that you have never considered yourself to be a beautiful and unique snowflake.
-You have never seen someone, especially someone you sleep with, become motionless. Insert joke about sex after marriage here.
-You have never had a strange stain on your sheet . . . You know what? I'm not even going to bother.
-You have no interest in UFOs and aliens
-You LOVE UFOs and aliens!
-You never feel like driving or walking to someplace you've never been. Were you born blind at this animal-free wilderness retreat? And if a wolf didn't nurse you from birth, what did? ALIENS, PERHAPS?
-You haven't seen a strange fog or haze that should not be there. So, I guess you've never lived in a major metropolitan area or played late 90's first person shooter games, which makes sense if you were raised from birth in the wilderness.
-You have never heard a strange humming or pulsing, implying that you are a total newbie when it comes to rave culture.
-You have never had random nosebleeds, you sexy person you.
-I'm not touching #34
-You have never had a back or neck problem or woken up with any kind of stiffness in any part of your body. You have befriended the grizzly bear, nature's chiropractor!
-Street lights don't go out as you walk under them
-You never get ringing in your ears, again suggesting that you don't go to many raves.
-You avoid medical treatment, or at least any that doesn't come from your fine ursine companion.
-You have never had headaches, whether frequent or sporadic.
-You're not going crazy, no matter what the talking chiropractor bear says.
-You are not a paranoid schizophrenic. See above.
-You were never afraid of your closet. That's a point in your favour at least, because everyone knows that's where aliens hide. You know, when they need to get away from it all.
-You have never had a problem "getting an erection," if you know what I mean.
-You have the feeling that you're not supposed to talk about odd stains on your sheets or genital soreness. This is probably a result of the fear of doctors.
-Your family has never talked about any problems listed here, like headaches or back pain.
-You have tried to resolve problems like these, and met with unequivocal success!
-You remember being abducted by aliens. (Reread the last bit of the link if you don't believe me.)

So, let's recap. You're a blind hermit living in the wilderness, in an area with no animals except a friendly bear who cracks your spine for you every so often. Perhaps as a result of your isolation from modern civilization, you experience no self-esteem problems, back pain, nosebleeds, stiff muscles, sexual problems or headaches, and have never been to a rave. In spite of this you are not special in any way, and you are not a hippie, though you fear nothing and can explain every event that has ever happened in your life and identify every flying object you've ever seen. You're completely content with where you are. You have a clear memory of being abducted by aliens. If all of these things are true, there is absolutely NO possibility that you have ever been abducted.

I can only hope such a paragon of normalcy exists somewhere in this world of ours.