58 Lines about 44 Aliens

Commence Beating.

I guess there's not much I can say about this kind of list telling you the signs that you've been abducted by aliens that hasn't been said before. Barnum descriptions, not uncommon to have a lot of these signs, sleep paralysis, et cetera. That's all pretty obvious, and if you want to learn more you can read up on it here. But just for a minute, let's imagine someone who has NEVER been abducted by aliens. EVER. That is, someone who goes against every single one of the signs listed on that page. Some of the stuff wouldn't be too unusual to not experience, like not being interested in UFOs (though I admit I was at one point!), not channeling telepathic messages from aliens, and so on. But the rest... well, you'll see. Let's go through item by item. Feel free to follow along!

-First off, you have never had "missing time" - having time go by without noticing. Clearly, you're not a gamer, nor do you ever watch heavily edited Schwarzenegger movies on TBS.
-You never see flashes of light in your home or elsewhere. You are probably blind.
-You have never seen beams of light outside your home. Either you don't live close to a street or any other place where headlight-equipped cars would go at night, or the blind hypothesis is starting to gain ground. Or perhaps both!
-You have never dreamed of UFOs. This suggests an isolation from alien-obsessed popular culture, which is just what one would expect from some kind of blind hermit.
-You have never had one or more UFO sightings. Putting aside the blind jokes for now, you have never seen a flying object without immediately being aware of what it is.
-You have never been interested in ecology, the environment, or vegetarianism. You are not a hippie.
-Never in your life have you had the feeling that you are special or that you're here for some purpose. I guess Mother wanted a girl, didn't she?
-You have been able to explain every single event in your life. Presumably this is because you haven't yet gotten to the point where the answer is always "aliens did it."
-You have never felt that something is going to happen before it happens. With the rate of coincidences about thinking about something and then having it randomly happen, you are one hell of an unlucky person.
-You have never woken up in a different place from where you remember going to sleep. This means that you don't roll around in bed, sleepwalk, or drink to the point where you start thinking that the Discovery channel should really interview that Stanton Friedman guy more.
-You do not remember ever seeing an animal look at you from outside. I guess your carless retreat is animal-free, too.
-You never wake up in the middle of the night startled. So you never have dramatic nightmares about a homicidal maniac coming after you and he's getting closer and closer and about to kill you when you trip like people always seem to do in these movies and then you look up and the lawnmower blade he uses as a murder weapon comes down and you wake up screaming and sweaty, sitting up in bed and panting then maybe starting to laugh about what a crazy dream that was until he bursts in through the door and plunges his Lawn Boy into your sternum. Then the aliens come and exact their revenge by giving him sporadic headaches and making streetlights go out when he walks underneath them.
-You don't have a phobia of anything, including snakes, spiders, heights, or lawnmower-related serial killers.
-You haven't had self-esteem problems, despite the fact that you have never considered yourself to be a beautiful and unique snowflake.
-You have never seen someone, especially someone you sleep with, become motionless. Insert joke about sex after marriage here.
-You have never had a strange stain on your sheet . . . You know what? I'm not even going to bother.
-You have no interest in UFOs and aliens
-You LOVE UFOs and aliens!
-You never feel like driving or walking to someplace you've never been. Were you born blind at this animal-free wilderness retreat? And if a wolf didn't nurse you from birth, what did? ALIENS, PERHAPS?
-You haven't seen a strange fog or haze that should not be there. So, I guess you've never lived in a major metropolitan area or played late 90's first person shooter games, which makes sense if you were raised from birth in the wilderness.
-You have never heard a strange humming or pulsing, implying that you are a total newbie when it comes to rave culture.
-You have never had random nosebleeds, you sexy person you.
-I'm not touching #34
-You have never had a back or neck problem or woken up with any kind of stiffness in any part of your body. You have befriended the grizzly bear, nature's chiropractor!
-Street lights don't go out as you walk under them
-You never get ringing in your ears, again suggesting that you don't go to many raves.
-You avoid medical treatment, or at least any that doesn't come from your fine ursine companion.
-You have never had headaches, whether frequent or sporadic.
-You're not going crazy, no matter what the talking chiropractor bear says.
-You are not a paranoid schizophrenic. See above.
-You were never afraid of your closet. That's a point in your favour at least, because everyone knows that's where aliens hide. You know, when they need to get away from it all.
-You have never had a problem "getting an erection," if you know what I mean.
-You have the feeling that you're not supposed to talk about odd stains on your sheets or genital soreness. This is probably a result of the fear of doctors.
-Your family has never talked about any problems listed here, like headaches or back pain.
-You have tried to resolve problems like these, and met with unequivocal success!
-You remember being abducted by aliens. (Reread the last bit of the link if you don't believe me.)

So, let's recap. You're a blind hermit living in the wilderness, in an area with no animals except a friendly bear who cracks your spine for you every so often. Perhaps as a result of your isolation from modern civilization, you experience no self-esteem problems, back pain, nosebleeds, stiff muscles, sexual problems or headaches, and have never been to a rave. In spite of this you are not special in any way, and you are not a hippie, though you fear nothing and can explain every event that has ever happened in your life and identify every flying object you've ever seen. You're completely content with where you are. You have a clear memory of being abducted by aliens. If all of these things are true, there is absolutely NO possibility that you have ever been abducted.

I can only hope such a paragon of normalcy exists somewhere in this world of ours.

Wiolawa Press: Aliens and UFO Art - Part 2: The Reptile Strikes Back

(This is part 2 of a 2-part series on the website http://www.wiolawapress.com .)

Naturally, Wiolawa's quest against the reptilian invaders has not been without reprisal from the powers that be. In addition to killing some of her friends with their most fearsome weapons, car crashes and Hepatitis, the fiendish Reptilians have also attempted to end Wiolawa's life by using a helicopter to drop pieces of cardboard on her car and putting foxglove (digitalis) extract in her carrot juice. Pulse weapons, of course, also make an appearance:

they have zapped me with their pulse weapons quite a few times... seriously.. on my heart chakra above my bed.. through the roof..i could not move for 6 hours.. and my husband and i agreed they would attempt to further kill me if we called the ambulances

ZAPPED me to the right of my sternum from my back .. ( several times ) &.. in the Superstitions while hiking .. and often to my head.. left temple area.. was extremely severe in further car chases.. i had an ice pack for three days on my temple.. from one severe shot.. so much for CoL Alexanders NON LETHAL weapons.. i assure you two of those blasts were meant to be lethal

Obviously these chakra-targeting pulse weapons are nonphysical, perhaps controlled by thought. So not only have the Reptilians mastered the use of ineffective poisons and the fine art of using cardboard as a murder weapon, they now have psychic pulse weapons, and I've heard tell that they can kill a yak from 300 yards away with their mind bullets.


That's telekinesis, Kyle.

As if attempted murder wasn't enough, several servants of the Reptoid overlords have taken to posting on Wiolawa's forums -- going back several years, in fact! Not only has the leader of the snake people himself been posting on an Internet conspiracy forum, there have also been appearances by Tom DeLay and the President himself! Note that Mr. Bush overuses exclamation marks and substitutes Yen signs for apostrophes, clearly indicative of the fact that North Korea, which is totally really close to Japan, is a puppet state of the USA and is currently being aggressive for the sole purpose of blinding us to the coming reptilian invasion.

Despite the intimidation tactics, Wiolawa soldiers onward, ever a spiritual warrior in the quest to expose every single disease or world event to happen in the last century as a reptilian plot.

AIDS? The tragic result of vampires cross-breeding with humans.

Ebola and bird flu? Genetically modified (that's sciencese for "evil") snake viruses meant to drive our species to extinction. Hell, Ebola already looks like a snake, and you don't even have to run it through Photoshop.

SARS? A genetic virus intended to turn future generations of humans into reptiles, by causing Harlequin ichthyosis (WARNING: some pictures in this link are not safe for work or for the mind of anyone who is not already an empty jaded husk of a human being thanks to the internet), a birth defect that existed long before SARS and which is almost invariably fatal within a few days. Clearly the reptiles have been at work on Earth laying the groundwork for the development of SARS even longer than originally suspected.

I shudder to think where we'd be without Wiolawa Press. For one thing, the US, without knowing that Baghdad was protected by an energy shield before the last Iraq war, would have been entirely powerless. Plus we wouldn't be aware of the secret cattle-mutilating UFOs disguised as innocent-looking clouds, or even the black lasers and reptile sexcopters that resulted in the destruction of the Space Shuttle Columbia. And I don't know about you, but I couldn't be happier than I am with that knowledge.

So for these reasons and more, I salute you, Wiolawa. Shine on, you crazy, crazy diamond.

Wiolawa Press: Aliens and UFO Art - Part 1

This will be the first in a series of articles about this wonderful webpage. Enjoy!

Synopsis: Just about every major public figure in the world (except, apparently, Ralph Nader) is a reptilian alien. Barbara "Wiolawa" Crouse-Brown, the webmistress, claims to be able to prove this by taking images of the people in question, zooming in on their faces, and applying several Photoshop filters until they look like they have snakes crawling around on them, or their faces are made of snakes, or they just don't look normal. Every major world event is just another part of the reptilian plot to drive us to extinction, and every new disease is genetically engineered for some purpose or another.
Craziness hallmarks: Random capitalized words, numerology, overanalyzing simple words like "me" (it apparently means House of the Mother Alien Reptile), general paranoia, odd neologisms and language idiosyncrasies
Overall insanity factor: 10/10

Wiolawa Press is a true diamond in the rough. It's not very widely known, certainly not on the level of Time Cube, and in my opinion undeservedly so. Wiolawa is easily as prolific as Gene Ray and every bit as entertaining. Spanning nearly six years, this site is like a delicious plate of bite-sized Hot Pockets waiting to burst open, and every single year, archived separately, is jam-packed with the filet mignon of Internet insanity.

Hang on to your tin foil hats, folks. We're going in.
http://www.wiolawapress.com

The first thing you'll notice, undoubtedly, is the weird language. Some examples:
REMEMBER MACHIEVELLIAN LIARS ARE MAC-maj-mag-mak=muck
WAR WITH CHINA ASAP..... look for the Draconian alignments always... and realize that WWWIII designed by the LIZARD HOUSE OF KON_TROL is meant to bring in THEIR NEW WORLD ORDER.... THE US WILL NOT DEFEAT AFGHANISTAN.. IMPOSSIBLE... INFACT IT IS SHAPING UP TO BE QUITE A RIDICULOUS E_VENT OF THE LIZARDS>>> 10-27-01---still having problems BOYZ? 3-3 02
NOTICE like the PHAROAHS of EYGYT in the BIBLE the STAFF OF AQUINO has an ALIVE EYE~SNAKE! FROM THE SOLARIZED FILTER JUST ADDED THE RED FILTER SINCE THE SATANISTS LOVE THIS COLOR FOR THEIR BLOOD RED RELIGION OF THE FEEDING OFF OF HUMANITY! EVIL OVERLORD COL. ASSHAT MICHAEL AQUINO WHO FEEDS OFF OF HUMANITY!

CAPITAL LETTERS are often ADDED for EMPHASIS or FOR NO APPARENT reason at all. ALL THE major REputaBLE NEWS SOURCES in the world do THIS. There have been rumours that the reptilian aliens who are disguised as world leaders cannot understand human emotion, and that's why they are trying to create alien-human hybrids! So perhaps adding emotion to printed text is a kind of code that they can't decipher, like using Navajo to fool grey-type aliens into getting smallpox vaccinations like they did in that one documentary TV show.

Of course, the aliens are everywhere, much like in the hit 1983 TV miniseries V, obviously cobbled together by human spiritual warriors who saw the reptoid invasion coming 20 years in advance. Then again, if you believe what's on this site and others, they've been in and out of Earth for millennia, and may or may not originally be from Planet X. Anywho, though their imitations of humanity are convincing to the naked eye, you can actually detect a disguised alien quite easily! Simply run the picture of a suspected alien through Photoshop's Solarize and Find Edges filters. Look for any signs of obvious reptilian-ness, like lines on the face. If that doesn't work, throw a few more random filters on there until you get something.

Let's try it! Get out Photoshop. your safety pencils, and a circle of paper. Today we'll be Photoshopping the aliens from V! This is kind of a no-brainer, since we know they're actually reptiles in disguise anyway.


All right, we've got a good picture. Make sure it's compressed in some way or another -- uncompressed pictures only hide the reptilians' true identity. Now let's solarize and find edges. This is the standard technique, and works like a charm on obvious reptilians such as Camilla and George W. Bush.


Zooming in, we can see it's starting to work!


But I think we can do better. Let's solarize again and find edges again! If doing it just once brings out some reptoid impostors, obviously doing it twice will be twice as effective!


Finally, the truth comes out! But we're not done quite yet. Some of our readers may not acknowledge the deep significance of this, so we'll have to helpfully label it to point some things out to the casual viewer. The true professional uses the red paintbrush tool for just this purpose.


Now the unhappy ghost (see his sad ghostly frown?) caught in the Medusan locks of the dark-haired maven on the right can be seen very clearly, as can the snake-patrol searching the blonde's shoulder for traitors and small rodents or insects. Note also the reptoid Nazi communist satanist pedophile ships in tow behind the both of them, bearing a striking resemblance to the ones accompanying Planet X on its journey to Earth a few years back! Regardless, obviously the producers of the show MUST have been in league with the Reptilians to know about the menacing brown dwarf so far in advance of its cataclysmic destruction of the Earth on March 13, 2003.

Clearly Wiolawa will be a pivotal figure in the world's future, as we will need a true spiritual awakening in order to be saved from certain reptilian doom. But, you ask, surely the reptilians have taken notice of her victories in uprooting their agents! Why haven't they struck back at her? Has she ever communicated with them?

These questions and more will be answered in Wiolawa Press, Part 2: Wiolawa Harder.

What is the Internet missing?

From many years of experience on this beautiful Internet of ours, I can assure you that the answer is "nothing." Near-perfect anonymity and near-universal accessibility have combined like the powers of a perverted two-man Planeteer team to create the wonderful patchwork quilt that has become a symbol of the information age at its best and worst. Anyone who wants a webpage can make one, and I'll gladly offer up this thrown-together blog as Exhibit One. The lack of publication standards or required capital or even initial public interest has created a wealth -- and diversity -- of information the likes of which humanity has never seen before. Instead of hanging around downtown wearing sandwich boards bearing dire warnings of impending doom, the paranoid-schizophrenic prophet of doom has moved his message into cyberspace, where it can be heeded by millions around the globe rather than ignored by unsympathetic passers-by who don't care enough to tell the difference between a sign asking for spare change (possibly for the purpose of getting loaded, maybe even with an amusing "fwd: Fw: Fwd: omg funny hobo!!!"-type footnote assuring the viewing public that at least he is not, in fact, bullshittin' them) and a sign with a message intended to prepare us for the coming reptilian invasion. Public craziness has moved into an entirely new arena, and I think the acceptance of it has gone up as well. People, by and large, are uncomfortable when they meet someone on the street who comes up to them and babbles about the coming apocalypse. Maybe it's something that's evolved over millions of years to prevent people with obvious mental health issues from breeding, or maybe it's just the result of cultural conditioning. Whatever the reason, that barrier is not an issue here. Rather than quickening our pace down the street in an attempt to effect an awkward escape, we can pause and read the ramblings about chemtrails and mind control, maybe even laugh to ourselves a bit.

Hell, there are rich crazy people too, or completely sane people who have somehow come to believe in ridiculous conspiracy theories. Stick all of these people into a faceless, anonymous medium like the Web, and the line between poor lunatic and rich eccentric becomes so blurred as to be nonexistent. Where does that leave us? Well, it leaves us right here, right now. If you read these websites, maybe you do it for the sake of fun and morbid curiosity. Maybe there's some lurking, primal suspicion that some of it just might be true. Or maybe you're a wholehearted believer and genuinely want to keep up to date on the progress of the fight against Reptilian Karl Rove and his army of shapeshifting androids. Me, I'm in the first camp. Why? I figure that, say what you will about the Internet and its wonderful applications for business, communications, and all that other good stuff, at its core it's really just another way to pass the time. We're all guilty of goofing off, using the Internet to look at comedy websites, when we should be working. The allure of the massive amount of untapped information at our fingertips is simply too strong to resist.

For me, websites like the ones I've been talking about -- the ones about conspiracy theories, Planet X, chemtrails, crystal healing, orgone energy, and so on -- are pure entertainment. When you put something up for the public to see, the public decides how to use it. Some use those pages to build their own cancer-curing black box machines. I use them to laugh. And really, isn't laughter the best medicine of all?

In this now hopelessly long-winded blog, I hope to share with the Internet-using public some of the best, most amusing, or otherwise most notable crazy-type websites I've encountered in my travels. And I'll try to keep the hypergraphia to a minimum in the future...